Sunday, December 06, 2009
Ha, I think the melancholy bug's really getting to me. OK, first I need to bitch about some wretched thing - I actually broke my laptop's Shift key (the one on the right) into half. I was trying to pry the keys out of my MacBook for some intensive cleaning, and all the keys behaved - except this one. The perfect excuse to upgrade, but money's pretty tight.
More thoughts.
Is it any use lamenting on what has been, what should have been, and what could have been? I think I miss a lot of things, both at work and also in personal life. To be frank, I miss NUH a hell lot. NUH Medicine, to be exact. I miss the people, the work, and the life there. Deep down though, I know I won't be happy doing internal medicine as a career. If anything, it'd be Cardio, but I'm trying hard not to listen to the Sirens who have been trying to lure me in. Life in general will be shit for a long time to come, down this road. It also didn't help that one of the guys who came back for reservist the last 2 weeks, was an ex-colleague in NUH, and talking to him brought back so many great memories. Many of these friends have since moved on to higher appointments. I think I need to learn to let go. Not of friends or fantastic colleagues, but of a life that I never intended to pursue anyway.
Since yesterday, when I suddenly discovered how disoriented I really am, I've been thinking of a way to get back. I really don't mean disoriented with regards to work or career - that'll usually take care of itself, and right now I don't quite have a choice. I meant personal growth.
You know, I'd dearly love to trek the jungles of Sumatra and New Guinea in search of new plants. Have a small house upon pristine sands and jump in for a dive as and when. Learn Spanish, Italian, Malay, Thai, and maybe French. Play the zither again, or the electone for that matter. Be intrigued and excited by some new animal in my house. Get back into dancing the Lindy Hop and ballroom. Have deep faith again.
Basically, I miss all that I ever was, and all that I have let go of. The
real person, beyond all the daily hard slogging, meaningless bitching and mundane irrelevance of most of what I'm doing now. For some inexplicable reason, these memories have now all come back to haunt me bitterly.
Wenky
10:51 PM
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