Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Feels like some sort of quarter life crisis – or perhaps it’s just another manifestation of what’s to come. It’s one thing to know that you need to face up to your own demons inside, and quite another to actually face up to it. I think at the bottom of it all, what really bothers me so much is the psyche of all those involved. It’s a fantastic study of personality disorders, but PDs are something I am quite determined not to dabble in. It’s like Das Experiment indeed. I’m sure everyone has their own demons inside – why, even I go nuts myself sometimes– but for these to really manifest, it’s just sickening. It’s even more alarming when you figure that this organization actually embraces people who let their shadowy side come forth in full, when in fact these people aught to be institutionalized and have a good session with a psychiatrist. So back to the topic. I know I’ll never embrace it or accept it for what it is. It will, I suspect, wind up just like my current posting at best – find solace in certain people, find a silver lining somewhere, and try to convince myself that hey, it’s not that bad after all. But chances are, my mind will start putting up Freudian psychoanalytic defence mechanisms. Don’t worry, I know it’s natural, and not pathological. I remember isolating, intellectualizing, dissociating and repressing a lot of what happened. And I remember one very fateful day 7 years ago, when I actually did an active form of isolation while sitting alone at home. It was all stored away in a very tight black box, with a heavy, rusty lock, and chucked away. Memories were completely erased, a whole period blanked out. And now it’s time to re-examine that black box again. Perhaps doing that was extremely dangerous. I’ve noticed a recent manifestation in level 2 mechanisms like passive aggression and retreats into fantasy – not that I never had them before, but they’re getting more often for now.
So many milestones in life. I seem to have hit quite a few of them already. University, work, marriage, another upcoming stint in the perfect PD-happy society. What comes later? I’m frightened of setting “goals”. In my eyes, they just make you rush through life’s journey so much more, and you miss out on the stroll and the flowers and the bees. You focus on one thing, hit it, get another to be obsessed about, and quite soon enough you find yourself caressing the wooden coffin that you worked so hard to buy for yourself. It’s all very confusing. On a side note, I really adore Discovery Channel’s advert – that the world is awesome. It really is.
Which is why, I started off by saying this feels like a quarter-life crisis of some sort. I can do all the analysis I want, but I wind up still sitting here, taking 1 step at a time to do what is required of me – no more and no less – and know that I will still put up defences to avoid maladapting.
Wenky
12:20 PM
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