Monday, May 03, 2010
When I get older, will I look back at this blog? It's an intruiging thought. Or maybe, my kids will find this blog. It's interesting how diary-keeping has now become somewhat public - even though the stuff people write are geared towards having an audience in mind, or at the very least their entries become more guarded as they are aware of public scrutiny. Still, it might be a great avenue to gain insight into what people are thinking about. To me it sort of becomes a warped form of letter-writing, where I pen down my life and yet never expect a reply in return.
Got into a fit of studiousness all of a sudden, and ordered a textbook over Amazon, plus I also just got myself a large standard text. OK, I said "standard text", but this is but a synopsis of the real deal, a large tome consisting of 2 hardback volumes. Absolutely fetching.
Now for some thoughts which have been bugging me for the last week. I starting to experience a certain degree of avolition, and it gets alarming when you perceive your peers being all fired up and hard-ramming at what they want. Is it age, or just me? Note that I use the word "perceive". And perception is tricky. What most people perceive of me, for example, is usually woefully and sometimes thankfully wrong. Yes, I like the privacy, thank you. Anyway, back to the topic. I'm kinda drifting towards the right direction in general, but I just feel that it isn't enough. I should, in accordance to what I perceive of my friends, be gearing towards various academic achievements (exams, papers, presentations, conferences) or otherwise spending every other night hard at work and getting an attractive renumeration for my trouble. But no. I'm now a filter-feeder, sieving through whatever is brought my way by the current, and my nights are spent rather on frivolous hobbies and activities - all of which I am unable to excel in. Sounds like a semi-retirement to me.
Chances are, I'm probably reading too much into things. I'm probably motivated in my own petty, planktonic way (hell, I just bought 2 more textbooks! And I just finished one!) and doing all right after all. Maybe - just maybe - this fit of feeling inadequate is but another manifestation of motivation.
Chances are, too, that in a matter of days or weeks I'll get caught up by something else that needs my unwavering attention, and this matter will once again be pushed to the back of my head. C'est la vie? =)
Wenky
5:16 PM
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