My brain's feeling really numb. So I'll just sit around, and wait for the inevitable? I don't know if you've ever felt this way before - like chasing around something in tight little circles, only to get right back to where you started from, leaving behind debris, pandemonium and indelible footsteps in your wake. So you stand there, looking at the mess you've made, and wonder if it'd have been better just not to have moved around in the first place.
I have a problem with adaptation. I hate spectacular changes to my life. So maybe this contributes to a large part of what I'm feeling now?
Had a really refreshing talk with Yx over lunch yesterday - a good talk over pig's head terrine and duck leg confit. The problem with all of us is that we're all trapped. I envy those that aren't. When you truly hate something, you just grit your teeth and bear with it, only just because you really can't get out of it. I'm suddenly reminded of Smarty Pants' dilemna - dude, I wish I could offer you some better advice, but I too am a victim. And so is Montyelm. And so is Yx. So do look out for the multitude of contraptions designed to keep you in. "University? We'll subsidise you, and on top of that, offer you a 0% interest loan". That's fine, it's a necessity. "Doctorate? We'll offer you a scholarship, and on top of that, provide you with an allowance." Wow. "Post-doc? We'll offer you a place overseas." And you just go on signing on those little pieces of paper. Why? Because you think those 3 or 5 or 7 years will soon be over, easy. A stable job cum upgrading experience, so why not? But what then, when you realise that you've really had enough, when you finally see what you want out of the years you've been given? Do you really want to draw on that half-million-dollar backup that you've always known you've had, just in case you want to bail? And that is when you truly and properly realise that all you've been doing is to walk straight into the lobster pot. You see the exit, but you just can't - or won't, seeing as there's still food in the lobster pot - get out.
I'm reminded of those stories where people are held in artifical micro-environments, with their controllers successfully making them think that they've got everything they need.
I have something to work towards. Whether it can be fulfilled or not is really something else altogether. But at least I have a little sanctuary to preserve my sanity later on. It's radical, but I know deep down that it's what I've always been after. No more thoughts of having a small clinic somewhere in the heartlands, nor of an office in hospital. Not even that of a mahogany-panelled office with a long, soft couch. Yx, maybe we've just been looking for this all along, but have never really put our finger on it till now.
This may well be just an adaptive mechanism to stress, but whatever it is, I'm glad of it.
I think the sentiment is pervasive among this batch of colleagues - an extreme sense of sadness and loss, somehow, that it's the end of a 6-month period. Sure, we've all got out run-ins with a couple of people, but they are never huge affairs and are more entertaining cum annoying than anything else. For most part. But other than that, it's been pure heaven working with these people.
I have made some truly fantastic friends, and found the best in some people.
Now, about the next step forward (not strictly true - I'm getting no nearer to my destination). We had a sort of briefing last Friday and also a meet-up with some people. A friend and I both felt that the scenario was blatantly sugar-coated. It's very likely to be a full 6 months of extreme pain, bullying and politics (wow, imagine if I could smell the politics even within the 2-hour briefing!) As I mentioned a few posts down, a few life-altering things were set into action over the last few weeks. Sigh. It's going to be a rough, bumpy road ahead. A lot of these things have been weighing on my mind, and the worrying had really been eating into me. Waking up almost every morning brooding over the same things is no joke at all. We'll just need to take it one step at a time. Sometimes, it's so much better to keep your thoughts to yourself, I've decided. I wonder how much I can actually fend off before I bite the dust, go on a rampage and get admitted to an asylum.
Kept telling myself to look much further ahead. (I ain't even going to think about the 2 years after these awful upcoming 6 months). This time, it's an opportunity to start again, and I'm determined not to make the same mistakes again. As a wonderful collegue just told me last night, medicine is a life-long career, so it's just 6 months out of all these years after all.
I'm actually finishing up this post in W54's MO room, on my very last day here which also happens to be my MO3 call. It's a strange feeling - wishing that I weren't on call, while on the other hand feeling like I just can't get enough of this familiar place. And saying goodbye to some of the best nurses around, especially my old friends in W64 - they will all be sorely missed. All those fond memories of sitting around with them on call and bitching about everything under the sun. If and when I do decide to persue a different path and come back at the end of 2.5 years though, many of them would have moved on. Really hate this sort of feeling.
Finally in the mood to cook some decent (or decadent) food! Had a surprisingly pleasant clinic with the bitch today, and that slab of foie gras had been sitting around for some time anyway. Actually on hindsight, I really need to cut back on food expenditure - although doing up haute cuisine at home is still way cheaper than pigging out at some stupid expensive restaurant. Managed to buy a whole lobe of duck foie gras at Culina (go check out the Dempsey one!) and a precious little bottle of sale con tartufo nero (essentially sel gris de Guerande with 1% dried summer black truffles).
Mind - it's actually an experimental run tonight so the foie gras aren't perfect. Also, the recipe was completely made-up so there's just that wee bit of fine-tuning to do. Flambéd foie gras with lavender jus, wild aragula and sale con tartufo nero :
For tonight's trial run I was seriously caught between fleur de sel and the sel gris, so I actually put fleur de sel on the foie, and the sel gris as a side together with the dried lavender flowers (top left in the picture). Next time I'll just forget the fleur de sel. Recipe's on the food blog! The food blog recipe version is NOT with aragula - this is the one thing that killed this dish. Normal aragula, yes - but wild aragula is just way too tangy. Try it with celery instead! Yes, and I desperately need to work on the presentation. I'm thinking "square plates".
Time seems to be speeding up - coming Monday's clinic seemed eons away just not too long ago, and the weekends are now frightfully packed. Have trod on more than just a few toes during the last couple of weeks, and it's actually frightening that I'll soon be rubbing shoulders with these same people. Really a game of clawing and teeth-gnashing to get what you need to get.
My slab of foie gras has been sitting in the freezer for some time, I'm quite determined to make something out of it soon. Especially when I've failed to book a table at Au Petit Salut for the third time in a row! Feeling sore about it. Why is everyone eating French suddenly? Maybe I really should invest that $100 in Julia Child's book, which amazingly is in stock at both PageOne and Pantry Magic. Still no inspiration whatsoever on how to prepare those beautiful frozen artichoke hearts though! BTW, The Butcher is having free delivery for the month of October, so it's a great time to order some stuff to play around with in the kitchen.
Have been making a series of VERY bad decisions lately. Well, "lately" isn't strictly true. The keystone event, as I have reasoned, happened some months ago when I decided to hold back on submitting a stack of papers. Fucking stupid. One of those "if I could turn back time" moments. In fact, many of these moments have happened over the past 10 days.
Once again I revisited the old, battered topic of what I'd be doing right now, had I not even started on this path. Unemployed? Plant-seller? Musician? Businessman? The last one, perhaps. It's high time to start unscrambling all the tiny little pieces, review them, and try to salvage a plan all over again.
We all need to learn. And I need to learn from this. There were times when I did a lot more soul-searching than I'm doing right now, but these have stopped. It's a very fine line between moping and thinking about life. Maybe it's time to peruse the scriptures all over again.
